On Saturday Fellow Flowers unveiled their new flower for Declare It Day 2014. The timing of this was ABSOLUTELY amazing. I read it and reread it...and reread it again...maybe about 20 times. I could not even believe how fitting this was to my last few months. Seriously, I think someone from Fellow Flowers invaded my brain and took the mantras I have been trying to engrain in my deep unconscious right out.
I spent the last month focusing on "MY OWN RACE," my own journey. Mentally and physically. I turned raw, disgustingly painful emotion into miles. I learned more about myself in the last month than I ever have. I learned that in the end, it is me who has to take care of me, because no one else knows my journey like me. I am lucky enough to have my amazing husband and one close friend, who can support me and challenge my thinking (Thank you, D - you helped me through January).
This month, I learned more of who I want to be and what I desperately do NOT want to be. On a run a few weeks ago, I had some pretty awful word vomit about someone and immediately felt horrible about it. It was inappropriate and uncalled for. After the run, I apologized to my running mates and something one of them said has stuck with me. I've been reminding myself of it, as it applies to two of my "storm fronts" from January. I don't remember the words exactly, but the sentiment is generalized in this quote...
Men of sense often learn from their enemies. It is from their foes, not their friends, that cities learn the lesson of building high walls and ships of war.
I am not a big fan of the word "enemies," however, the point stands. These "thorns in my side" the last month have really made me examine what I do NOT want to be - actions I do NOT want to take, or be responsible for - qualities that maybe, I want to, no - need to, temper in myself. I know part of my problem is that I expect a lot from people. I expect people to care. I expect people to be sensitive. I expect people to have a sense of duty. I expect people to reciprocate. I expect people to appreciate. Maybe this last month was so tough for me because I finally realized that I can't expect anything from people. And I don't mean that in a negative way. Maybe this month was so rough because as much as I want the world to be completely a cause and effect relationship, it isn't. Maybe everyone knows this except for me? (insert chuckle here...?)
I am still on cloud nine about how great I felt during yesterday's race. But then, something happened that **almost** and I do mean **almost** took away from it. But I was damn proud of myself. For a split second, I almost fought fire with fire. For a split second, I almost acted as another had acted. But..I didn't. I laughed. I laughed..and then I slyly thought to myself. Fuel. Fuel for the fire. I will turn this into more raw, disgusting miles. Miles, that may be painful (physically and emotionally) to start, always turn into ones that cleanse. And I will use it as energy to take care of me and to meet MY goals. My running goals...and my goals to be the person I want to be. Signing off for now...I am have a second workout to get to today... ;-)